IVF - coping together

One of our many female members reflects on how IVF relies on supportive partners

I know I'm not the dad, but this info can help (I Hope!)

image courtesy of DaddyNatal.co.uk

One thing that my husband and I tried was to make sure that no matter what - we would make the experience  a bonding one. We went to every appointment together. We participated in EVERY aspect together. Some of the better fertility clinics are very well decorated, and done up to make the 'collection' part less clinical - but they still fail to do so!! No body likes feeling like they are under pressure to perform for anyone in that area. So I actually took it upon myself to make sure that my husband - Scott - didnt think he had to "perform". We made a bit of a game out of it - its a new place, yes there are other people there, but you have to tune all that out and make it about just the two of you!! MAKE it an intimate moment, for as much as the situation will allow. Don't allow it to become the clinical setting that kills most marriages. Talk to eachother!!!!!!!! Each of you is feeling as if you were the worlds most monumental failure - which you are NOT by the way!!! If you don't talk to eachother and admit that you are scared, and actually share what you are feeling - you will loose the very person for whom you are doing this increadibly unselfish thing for.

For me, I couldn't figure out why I was able to produce two healthy baby boys for my first husband, but I couldnt even hold on to one for my second. Scott and I had two misscarrages before we looked to fertility treatments. I was devistated! I bacame obsessed with anything and averything baby after I lost my first one. Scott tried to be helpful and comforting but I was in such a deep depression that nothing could help. We continued to make love here and there, and life was neither good nor bad - it just was. When I learned that I was pregnant for the second time, I was excited and terrified all at once, because i couldn't help thinking "Please God let me carry this one through for him this time." 17 Weeks later we were back in the same position just 2 yrs pior. I decided to deliver this one, so I could actually say "Good-bye" this time. It did help, but my depression became worse because I believed that I failed at my duty as a wife, to give my loving and wonderful husband a child of his own. Everything fell apart - we stopped talking to eachother, I lost my job, we lost our house. I was hurting so much that I failed to recognize the fact that I was not the only person to loose a child. It was almost like the movie What Dreams May Come except that I didn't end up in the hospital, but i did attempt to take my life.

The point of all this is not to make you cry or squirm in your chair - its to let you know that you need to be aware that there ARE two of you going through this. You're NOT alone!! Reach out your hand, touch her face, and tell her that you aren't going anywhere and that you'll get through this together!! Even though you may say this to her - you are actually reminding yourself of this same thing.

I hope this has been of some help and reassurance to you. You Are Not Alone!! Don't be afraid to ask for help - from Her too!